Troubles in Shitburg

One Sunday, “Can’t do no cinoo er, ain’t got milk, tea coffee onlyhh!”

A barely deciphered grunt, credit to the server for being so understanding. White coffee or milky tea then? Well, I only order cappuccino from BurgerKrap because I knows that’s possibly the only ways one can get fresh milk coffee at all by avoiding the UHT chemical concoction. I drive away, yet again. Why bother, the age-old question. Am tired, long week and some help with the Soylent Green, would have been nice.

This Sunday is Groundhog Day, as on the previous day—Saturday, sought out the ShitWay sandwich artist chain after previously having an earth-shattering lunch a week before—kid you not, a spicy beef wrap changed my opinion for brief second, it was nice, tasted fresh and exactly what the doctor ordered. But troubled started that very lunchtime. It didn’t appear to be a long queue, so ventured in to realise déjà vu. However, the gimboid in front of me had piece of paper in hand, a worrying sign in ShitWay. He had a dictionary of sandwiches to order and was having great difficulty with reading somebody’s hieroglyphic handwriting. Further not helped by an individual serving who looked like his family had died, dumped by girlfriend and received news that he and his pet dog were terminally ill with only 24 hours to live. Cheer up son, bit of effort, please? Like the ShitWay assistant, I also was mind-numbingly bored waiting, and then the order guy thought of ordering for himself after already filling the counter with bread products. Finally, I get to be attended to and order the heaven wrap again that tasted so nice last week—yes, yes, kidding myself but it’s all the chemicals.

“eh sold out of steak, um soz.”

It was only lunchtime, what else were they going to do for the rest of the day… I walks out and drives off again. In the background, hear an argument between the manager and the undead server, because they probably did have the steak in stock, yet he couldn’t be arsed going for it, like the way they make sandwiches. People generally only eat fast food as an easy way out of cooking themselves, often due to tiredness, laziness and time. Or maybe when incredibly depressed from a really bad week.

On the Friday, I popped by MuckDonalds for breakfast to save time and eat something unhealthy to celebrate the end of the dire week. ‘To save time,’ what a load of bollocks that is. Mucks drive-thru tends to use the service model these days of not being able to pickup food from counter window, and instead having to park up and wait till the end of eternity for cold substances to arrive. It didn’t arrive and getting late, bored of watching robotic workers strolling around car park aimlessly with bags of eggs in confusion, drive off with at least the coffee for the effort. A radio advert then talks about the hallowed breakfast wrap that I’d tried to order followed by the ‘whoo wha who whoo’ easy cheesy line. Not that easy at all for Mucks, it seems. Change channel but this is quarter to the hour—advert time—’Whoo wha who whoo.’ Oh just fu** ***!

You think me impatient? No, it’s just I’ve finally crossed the void. No longer worth it, at all, under any circumstances. Expensive, tastes rubbish, is rubbish, unhealthy, boring, loads of hassle and quite frankly an insult to mine and the rest of humanities existence. A few weeks ago…


BurgerKrap, more than other outlets regularly has issues. Although never done a monumental cockup as the FKFC bird killers, let’s change our supplier and save heaps of cash without ever thinking where all the foods coming from, doh! To the picture above—’Notice!’ What circumstances are these… invaded by coffee and milkshake rat thieves with a penchant for tomatoes? I love that they need to clarify that hot food can still be made, excellent. How do you produce these tomatoes then, especially with such a bad harvest? Down the road, literally down the road is a supermarket. The shop sells milk, tomatoes, ice cream… and probably a kettle. Culinary ingenuity, a step too far, Gordon? Let’s repeat this sentence again, ‘reminder we can still make hot food just without tomatoes if that particular food is usually provided with that meal,’ Great Scotts!

Bizarrely, several months ago, BurgerKrap filled my mouth and car with sawdust, actual sawdust, twice. Quite often these notices get be posted indicating no drinks or cash payments etc. you get the picture. On the day in question, the speaker and ‘SPEAK HERE’ sign was actually free of fault for once. However, behind the speaker at the back of the burger joint, a few carpenters were midway through sawing a new bit of wood to be erected somewhere. I speak into the receiver just as well-placed saw man kicks off the mill.

“Wha’ you want?”

“I whuugghhg ghghghg ghghghgh” cutter sound stops.

“I—” starts again, “whughghghg ghghghgh ghghghg.”

It stops and about to begin for another time, “I’ll DRIVE ROUND!!!”

Oh, there’s already a queue, so more time to wait. Let’s reverse, as can no more hear the blasted woodcutters.

“I’ll have a… whughghghg ghghghgh ghghghghg.”


Fuck this, reverse out, pause and menacingly stare at carpenters who obviously haven’t heard of the health and safety bill. Folks often moan about cardboard food, well, I’ve tried it—BurgerKrap style. I don’t need to leave a bad review for BurgerKrap, am a bit late there, got loads already. Honest reviews with not many stars. After this experience, few weeks later I walked in to get served, as riding bicycle so made sense. 15 minutes later…


“Where is the drink, I want my drink?”

“What, you didn’t get one?”

Jeepers, it’s not called a meal for nothing. Then, after getting my lucky cup, takes to big soda lottery machine. What will you get… soda, that’s what. Drink, drink, I want a **********************  drink!

Recently, BurgerKrap have started to do a box meal, a new invention wow, which is a good thing. Mucks have always presented their burgers in a box as burger-building-art is not their speciality, not a bad thing as at least stay in box rather than your car. So, one would think that ordering a ‘box meal’ then a box should be provided. No Sherlock, no. After 6 months, amazingly one day, I actually get a box but before that only bags, short supply obviously from FKFC buying them all. Napkins, seen any of them lately??

You need napkins because, The BigKrap box burger tastes like it’s cooked at the bottom of a chip pan that’s never been cleaned. Not how it looks on the advert and adding in the stale bread, crisp week-old lettuce and fresh rare tomatoes.

Regarding Mucks, whilst I’ve mentioned them again, why is it so difficult to build a burger? The beef extract perfectly matches in shape and size as the sesame seed bun, it’s not round pegs and square holes here? How about, getting an order right too, the ‘Grand Big Muck’ is not a ‘Big Muck’. The clue was in the title. Your seasonal chicken burger, ‘The Tennessee Shat’ is that, not a ‘Legend’ burger, and the title there breaches the trades descriptions act, as that does taste like sawdust, from someone who knows! 3 times in a row wrong orders, you cannot be serious… Next, you get the ‘Sold Out’ because it’s too popular sign. What? How can you sell out of a beef burger, it’s made of beef like the rest, Gordon Bennett?

All this fast food business wasn’t getting any better, especially following recovery from ShitWay, when they started to give me food poisoning from left-out turkey amongst other ingredients all week, so I decides finally to head back to the supermarket for some quick eats instead. This time, avoiding the cardboard meals and opted to try a supposedly fresh home-cooked curry counter offering. Unfortunately, due to poor cooking vessel provided, see below how the microwavable munchie madness turned out, still tasted nice though. 😊


The lesson here after all that, if you want something done right?

Cook it ya bleeding self!


P.S. Another supermarket treat that I recommend you trying, is both delicious and dangerous at the same time, fire extinguisher at the ready.


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